really hating myself right now.

Today, I missed the most important person to me's dinner.

I took off from the house after shaving and dressing all nice, then on 45 my car starts jerking around on me, Alls I can think is wow, of course this would happen to me now, of all times, when I have to be somewhere.

It took me an hour and 20 minutes to actually get my car started and I was still an hour away from where I needed to be. As I wait for her in her room alls I can think about is all the time she has been there for me, and I blew it.

Heyyy LADDDY

So I absolutely positively cannot wait for this weekend to be over. On monday it is going to be jammed packed full of fun and excitement, I get to hang out with Christina after work and that just makes my day all in one, I have a feeling that once I can drive that I will still be spending a lot of time up in williamsport. Twice a week just doesn't seem to be enough.

SO today I got to work at 720, before managers or anyone else arrived, so I sat in the hotel and just playyed on the computer. The same kid from the little league world series asked me for a lighter for the third time, obviously If I didn't have one the first time than I wasn't going to have one the second time nor the third time.

I think I am going to go to ITT Tech or Mccann possibly Mansfield, either for something with computers or criminal justice.

oh well I am here till 10 tonight and got on the clock at 820 today, so yeah I'm tired it's a long day and I just want my christina :( soooo monday can't come soon enough.

Oh when I was little

I used to watch this movie all the time. Since I grew up with Batman the Animated Series.

Mark Hamil voice of the Joker and is just great as the Joker. ohhh I loved coming home after school and watching it.

Kiff I'm feeling the Captains Itch

One of the things I love about my room at home is this nightlight that I have on my wall, I got this from my dad a long time ago, This nightlight was given to me when Jackson's mom and my Dad were still married. Once I open shop this is going to be one of the first things that goes on my wall. Not for sale, because I want to hang it in my sons room, but on display is lots of fun.

The nights were long but the days were short

So I just picked something up that made me sooo happy because I love how this variant looks.



I mean How can you not like Thor, The God of Thunder, listening to an Ipod?

I just went through my comic collection at some of my prized possessions in there.


So I just picked something up that made me sooo happy because I love how this variant looks.

First appearance of Guy Gardner, it makes me happy oh sooo happy.

I reallly reallly want to start this shop up now, if only a million would fall out of the sky, I would by premises and pay off my moms house. Oh and buy christina her own little place where she can do whatever she wants, a radio bakery or whatever she wants to do lol.

Captains Log.

Ganna take mom to see the new star trek movie, gatta get around to that, prolly next week.

Still keep looking at that empty shop front in the building where mark has lucky lucky, I really want to open that up into a comic shop. I have some good ideas on it. Alls I need are people who can draw, and that looks like a good job for my old art teacher, who would prolly like some pay.

My kitten is asleep on my floor now which is crazy.

I counted my graphic novels and currently have 23, I need to count my comics and see how many I have. I would like to take a trip to olies outlet to see if they have any bundles.

well make that both cats are asleep on my floor, this is pretty insane in the membrane. I dunno I just would like some input on if people think I would be good at running a comic shop it would be a like dream of mine but oh well. time to count the comics.

Little Alex, the boy who surprises me more and more

I went to church like I try to do every Sunday before I go to school, and my little cousins were all there, I told the two of them that are able to get jobs to go and put their names in at good old Bonanza. But what really surprised me was my little cousin Alex, lol he has his hair pretty long now, and in my family that is a big deal, our grandmother doesn't really like things to that fashion and we do see her a lotttt. Also when he had it long before Grandpa banned him from riding the 4wheeler lol. but he has it long, and it is cut out so his eyes can see.

But thats not the point, this little guy ims me while I was out walking with Christina, which I guess I really am pretty oblivious. Butttt he sends me an IM that told me he misses me. I miss my little cousins a lot when I am away, they mean a crap load to me, so I think that we are going to have to go bowling this summer, hopefully before June.

Holy Zombie Jesus

So I set this back to not being private so that people can Internet stalk me. Kinda creepy.

Just was looking at this youtube video, and realized wow I haven't picked up my comics in a really long time, and hey Batman:Battle for the Cowl is out, I think I am missing out on some of the best literature right now. But aside from that things new things new, hmmmm.

Well I am going to another highschool prom, this is I think the 4th time, so yeah, but this time I get to wear a color that I actually like GREeN! Kiwi Green I guess it is.

I just got starcraft, FREAKEN COMMPUTER RUSHES GAY! WAiting for Diablo 3 and StarCraft II I got all summer to save for school next year, ganna pay it all off in one shot then save up again, I need a new car something terrible, mine is really falling away, So I am thinking I want a 90s Stang, that would be fun, or heck I would love a 60s-70s stang, screw the 80s that body style is an Epic Fail.

So just some bands that I woulddd lovveeee to see in concert at the Warped Tour this year: Flogging Molly, Big D and the Kids Table, Less than Jake, Bayside, Valencia, AntiFlag, and Bad Religion.

I don't know if there is a lot more to say, besides, Tip your Waiter.

sooo yeah.

Ok so this blog is my vent, it in no way shows how I really am, I just post really all the bad stuff in here, so yeah anyone who read this, have fun with all the bad. It is just a way for me to push it out.

Who am I to die, you cowerdly little child.

I told a friend once, that I liked one of his friends, he told me to go for and everything. The fucking dick is now dating her, I feel betrayed, and stabbed in the back. I never talked behind her back like he did, I never tried to hurt her, I never did half the bs that he did.

I see you know for your true colors.

Math suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks

ok so I am sitting here at my table doing math homework, I hate math homework, not sure if I am doing it but yeah doing it.

Well when it rains it pours, when it shines it burns

So as I sit here in my stupid csc class, I just think that some people need to take a hint, that some people need to realize people don't want to be treated differntly, just because they act differently, It makes that person think that they are weak. When in fact they can deal with a lot that just festers underneath the surface.

I have said this once before, never tell someone that they couldn't handle being you, expecially when you know that they have had past problems. The thing is the little things are the things to bring you down, and the bigger things are the ones that you face everyday, every hour, minute and second.

It smells like cigerets in this room, but hey maybe that is how the person deals with their stress. Some people need to have small out bursts of anger or excitement, if you bottle something up for so long then the presure becomes so great that it could just tear you apart.

Words can say a lot and actions can say so little

I just want to say that I am sorry, nothing less than. I know I irritate you, I know that I can bother you. but you are my favorite person, please don't be angry at me.

And like that my balloon was puntured and the air let out

So last night I over hear my one roommate say to another that "I can tell you an odd ball that lives here" I then discover that since I don't hang out with them anymore that some of them or all but a few think that I am strange. Well that is nice to know that they talk about me behind my back.

On top of that A&W with some good old shrimp would have been great, and that is where I was planning on taking Christina but oh I made a mistake and I forgot, that whenever I ask a girl to do something, Don't count on it...ever. Silly me.

I mean so I have asked a lot of people to go places at a lot of different times, most of the time I give them lots of notice and they say yes. But then I get let down anyways. I don't need or want that anymore.

Ok so really I need to rant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQxgv4QtKM8

Now people you gotta click in order to see what I am talking about, and don't worry it is just youtube.


Pull up your pants!

Alright rap music is rap music and will more than likely always be there but when this happens Blasphemy

they have gone to far. Or oh how about this
Rap that ruined the song click

These are not new songs people, these are just raps stealing of old and great songs, it should stay in the family, when Manson, Orgy, and Dope decided to do Right round at least they stuck with all of the original lyrics. It is bad enough that they turn a great song into a rap song, but to change the lyrics.

Oh and freaken crazy train, wow don't get me started there, you think that Ozzy the freaken Prince of Darkness wants some freaken rapper rapping while he goes "Ayee" and you have the spinning noise in the background, I can't explain it so I'll let this guy do it for you. Click If you didn't get it from that then click here. Click again

Any other thoughts?

Mornings suck

So my alarm goes off this morning, and I hit it a few times to make it stop talking to me. I go back to sleep then and I think, "Oh great I over slept" I get up and nope still 20 minutes to get to class. So I get out of bed pull my pants on and grab my hat and track jacket. I then you know heat up my coffee and head to math class for fun and adventure. Yeah I really hate math. I hardly even saw where I was walking this morning like if my songs hadn't changed when I got to the street I prolly would have forgotten to look both ways before crossing.

I think I've found the major that I want. http://www.pct.edu/catalog/majors/BM.shtml

I was just looking at the courses and they all look like something that I could grasp, not things that I am kind of forced into and you know have to do all crappy and half the work. I dunno I am beginning to think that the school of hospitality is really just a joke. Some people yeah there nice but can't teach, and others well they come off as unapproachable. Maybe it is just me, but It is very hard to say. Alls I know is I just want to pass nutrition get out of there and not have to look back.

Do I talk really quiet or something

I realized something today, that I get interrupted a crap load. It is almost like, oh it is just Adam, he isn't saying anything important so lets just cut him off. I dunno why but yeah I guess that does bug me. It almost makes me want to yell, "Shut up and honestly stop interrupting me! You don't like it when it is done to you then why do you do it to me?"

Rant on here so I don't have to in the real world.

I couldn't be anymore proud unless he was my little brother.

Tonight when I got back to my dorm my little cousin IMed me and told me that he broke 200, broke it with a 203. That is hard to do sometimes you have to have good timing and concentration, not to mention the right amount of wax, oil, and knowing where to throw your ball. But he did it, I started him off on bowling, it was me John and my youngest cousin Alex(just broke the 200) John and I were fairly good, After John went to Holland and bowled like every day. We always played on pent up aggression, usually against a parent who was booing our team. But the little guy who was throwing just like 6 pounds, then 12, then 14, is finally up all the way to the 16. The highest you can go. There is nothing left to be said except, he is going to be great.

I love tea!

So when I do get the chance to, I love drinking tea, I love oriental tea, I love European tea, If you can drink it and it is hot and soothing, then it is my kind of drink. So I have decided that I am going to create my own herb garden, Tea, Sunflowers and maybe a watermelon or two. This houses exterior is getting a face lift this summer when I'm not working.

I want to put up a little shed that I can work out of in our backyard, so that is where I can have all the tea and what not. I even think I know a way in hooking up the electric so that it runs off of the house via extension cord. On top of that If I actually start making good stuff, then I can prolly sell it to local shops.

On top of the tea and garden thing, I have Otakon 2009 to look forward to.

I'm going as Jushiro :)

And why do I deserve to Die?

Catchy title if I do say so myself. Been on my korn kick for a while now. I kind of want to get back to school, get back to my friends, but also I want to be here, going to hang out with Mark at the shop, seeing all of the ridiculous stuff people do. It is very entertaining. I miss my crazy friend, Christina the CooCoo. lol It is really fun doing things that catch her attention. :)

Who knows who cares.

I think that you learn from your mistakes, or that some do, Tragedy, not so tragic because it forms who you become, What mistakes and tragedies fill your life are the ones that will form you into the being you are. It is not all Tragedy and Mistakes though, it also depends on how you take it and how you respond to it, respond negative or positive. I realize that because we will never know what it is like to walk a mile in someone else's shoes we will never be able to know what that person goes through day by day. What torments and haunts that persons soul. I don't want your pity nor do I have any use for it. What I want is your understanding, that I am not a person to be taken lightly, that I have gone through a mans struggles when I was still in elementary school. I've adapted, but the pain is still there, that doesn't go away. You adapt to it, but it will always be there. I can be bitter if I choose to be, I can be angry, I have those rights in my opinion. A person who needs help and doesn't ask for it is foolish, a person who needs help and seeks council is wise, same stories different days.

Sometimes in church you will hear them talk about giants, these giants are metaphors, I have a major giants, Anger, Grudges, Wrath. All three are horrible, but all were brought and let in through the door that hurt opened when it introduced itself into my life. I've had giants that have festered for more than a decade under the surface, sometimes they burst, but it is never the entire thing, if the entire giant were to come out I doubt that there would be anything left. Blind Rage that is what it is, a blood lust.

I don't care if you are a girl or a guy, black or white, crap you could even be purple, everyone has problems, some are more dramatic than others. But they are just that, problems, and problems can be solved, others are just reduced.

My Taffy Cat, and the wanting of lots of little kittens

I was just thinking today as I lay here, that I wish I had like 50 kittens to play with right now. That would be lots of fun. Then I thought of my taffy cat, mom had to put her down recently because she was getting really old, like 20 years old and then she started letting herself go. She would never sleep with me or really come to me when I called her, but on the last night that I was home with her, she slept on my legs out in the living room, really I dunno why but it meant a lot. And I love her and am glad that she isn't suffering anymore. But when my fat little soxy cat has to go, then well depression is ganna sink in more than ever. 

Killing them in writing.

Ok so I have decided it, I am going to kill kyle. Let it sink in a little. How am I going to kill him? in the way that my English teacher in high school suggested. In my book. So I will get my closure, and then, if he bugs me, well I just resurrect him, then kill him or maim him again.

Irish and Angry, Just lucky I didn't reach across the table and beat you.

So yesterday I was getting made fun of at a childrens card game tourny. By some kid who all he does is play card  games and video games. Ok the thing that is wrong with this picture is well I have a life since well I am going to college, I hang out with my friends about all of the time up there, and well I do a lot more things than just play games. So my question is, where do people like him get off.

I'm feeling Bleh today.

So I stayed up till about 3 in the morning last night, I just couldn't really sleep, but there was no point of being online anymore. Yeah I guess I should have prepared my self for rejection, I never know why, but it always happens. Don't think of me as someone who just trys to go out with every girl I see, because what matters to me is how they treat me, how they make me feel. You could be as beutiful as can be, but if you cross over the boundries to much, or are just not legaly retarded but you do some pretty retrarded things, yeah forget you.

I've been single for about 2 and a half years now, it was fun for a little while, after I got over the heartache, then Heather came back into play, yeah Mistake, "If they hurt you once they will hurt you again." Then after her Dez, turned out the peer presure of college was a little to much for her, guess some people just can't take it or say no. I just got angry at those two, for playing with me like they did, so they took little time to get over. Amanda, well she is great, but the distance, and the lack of seeing eachother and the fact that she really doesn't want to date now, well thats not really good for me. Then I met Denise, yeah it seemed really fun and she is really flirty with me, so I started to like her, something would always happen though on days I would ask her to go out though, sick, which she complains about that a lot, so no big deal, and the weather, both are reasonable excuses. But she likes some guy who lives far away and can't deal with a relationship now. 

Then I just think to myself. Will I ever have a steady relationship, or will I just have to adopt my kids in order to have them and live alone with my adopted kids and cats. Thats the way it is looking, reall depressed and don't want to go to any classes really, but I have to, I have to make myself go, because it is the only way I'll get better. I really don't care who reads this how they read it, or if they read it. really it was just to get it out.

Here is what I have to say, OhhKay!

Alright, you wanna know why life isn't fantasy, why this reality sucks so much. Because if this was just fantasy where good always wins it would be pretty boring. Honestly problems make us stronger, and well you deal and get over them. 

There is a guy I work with, who is pretty socially awkward, but I am still nice to him. I just don't like spending every second of my day with him. 

People are human beings, hey who would have thought that, people have feelings, well that's another no brainer, so if you really want to get to know someone, stop judging them honestly, be nice to them and ask them how their day was. 

If you know that one subject hurts someone, then hey don't dance around that subject when that person is in the room. 

Be nice to people and if they aren't nice to you keep being nice, because then when things really come out, you don't have to feel guilty knowing that you were mean to someone who has problems that brew underneath the surface, that and that person will prolly appreciate it a lot more.

Woke up with Yawn, It's Dawning.

Analogies make the world go round, but some analogies well they are just better left unsaid. Some times I think that I am still in high school, and that is when I remember how much I hated High School, because of the cliches and what not that was going on. The things people did and when they were labeled cool and not cool. Yeah call someone not cool, that's real nice. So here is a question, Who defines cool, what one person defines cool, because I can point out things that other people find wrong with that one person, that would make them uncool in their eyes. 

So the next time you decide something is uncool, just think of all the really stupid things that you do that well make you look about as cool as genocide.

It's 10 pm and I'll drink my juice from any cup I want.

Alright so it is 10, I am sitting here drinking my apple juice from a Wolverine bottle, yup I bought a kiddie drink just because of the comics, Wanna fight about it? 

Any ways my throat is killing me I have so much drainage going down the back of it that it is causing it to inflame. But any ways, tonight I discovered something, That if I fall back into something, I may never get out of it, so yeah never again, I am never doing it again. I don't want to fall in so deep that I can't see any light. There may not be struggle on the outside but on the inside it is so intense like part of me wants to and the other half doesn't well my resiliant side that doesn't want to has to win, and well i am the only person who can make it win.

Sending penguins in the mail? Is it a good idea or no? I am not sure and well I'll see within the next couple days, I think it could be a step to far ahead.

Carnegie Deli

Ok so after going and watching Brand New's song called Jesus, and watching peoples homemade movies on it, I discover that some people really are dumb, one guy who was definatly a black supremisis and said that the only thing white people were good for is killing. The others all get all up in arms and try to dis the bible and what not. I mean honestly what makes people like that? Where they stung in church as a child, or is it because of a up bringing that brought that around, I find it highly annoying, so I stopped reading them.

I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I did. I did, I went to math, and pretty soon I go to csc110, then gym, then back for either sleep or a shower, or both. Get some sleep in before spanish then I should be all ok. 

I am not feeling all that great today, but still I am going to go to class and suck it up. 

Not really feeling anything today. But oh well, the day will be over soon.

I'm ganna break free

OK so of late this week the thing has been Nerf, well what is wrong with that I say nothing. Next week is my math exam, so that is going to get done on Tuesday, the day that it is due. I am thinking about talking to my RA about moving out, I am not really satisfied with the living conditions. I don't think that it is worth paying as much as it costs to live there. So now I think that change is in order and something has to be done. So now I am home and getting ready to work. 

I think that I will be a great father, the people who have known me for a while think that I will be a great one too, so please before saying something think before you speak, filter that little space between brain and mouth, and wonder. Is this subject touchy to him, because the home subject well lets just say, don't mess with that.

Ok really

So now i just got a freaken voice mail from my step mom telling me that she is disappointed in me for not going up to see my dad, alright so I really really wanted to see him well If they really wanted to see me then Hey why didn't I call and tell me about the secret party that was going on? I mean really? they came down all that way and couldn't even stop in at work and see me, I mean what is up with that? I didn't go up today and well I wonder why? could it be because of no one going any where today? The schools were closed, and more than likely bonanza closed early. I got called selfish and told that I only think of myself. Because I had to work, because I couldn't get someone to take my shift. I can't just go in and tell them that for the weekend since we are really busy on the weekend. You know what I am sorry dad that I am such an inadaquit son, Why don't you just disown me already? I do really actually love you, But you would come all the way down to Union Co and not see me, or tell me about the party at aunt wendy's I mean now come on. Why? 

Two words: Snow Day

When I was little snow days were the best thing ever, I made snow men, snow forts, snow ball fights, you snow it I did it. But now I am not at home, so what is my first snow day up here going to be like? It is hard to say, but I do know this. With the people that I hang around, It is bound to be fun.

20 darts to the face, thats some fun right there.

So the other night I went to KB toys and Toys R Us with Nick to get a nerf gun, And I got a pretty sweet one, 20 darts in about 5 seconds, It has two modes of shooting. Rapid Fire, and a Single shot. The rapid fire is like imposible to dodge and Single shot is a little more aimed and controlled. But any ways enough of shop talk.

I have to go down to see my mom today so that I can tell her how to use her computer, pick up my; laundry, calculator, and hat. Also have to give her a little money. Then ganna put some gas in my car. 

I don't work this thursday which is a plus, but I still don't know what is going on with dad, which really sucks because the fact that he wont just call and tell me anything. 

But oh well, I don't have class again tonight until 7. And that is just intro to hosp, and If I remember correctly i get chef trom for that tonight, freaken sweet! That lady is so funny, a little intimidating but funny. 

Don't mind the spelling errors in here for the people who actually read this, Google Chrome seems to not like to fix them.

Well so long for now.

So don't mind the spelling errors in here for yo 

I have a little fat cat that likes to sleep in the middle of the bed.

So it is 8:30 and I am really tired and I don't even know really why I am up, but oh well, time to get ready for church and work, not only that but going back up to school.

Yesterday was kinda fun at work, a few hours of cutting everything really close, then had to go get everyone for the tourny, which I cam in third. 

But I am just trying to think about how I am going to pay for this next bill. I mean I have to make 1000 in a month, or go and ask a relative if they can help out. i might be able to come up with 500 in a month but I doubt it. 

Next semester I am for sure going to live in one of the living facilaties that costs a lot less. 

Ugh my cat is so anoying, as I am typing this she is here licking my hand, or she will sleep on my shoulder. Well It looks like I am out for the day untill I get off of work. then I have to go get a parking spot, hope I earn enough to get a parking permit. 

Nights of Wonder and Excitment

So last night my roommates wanted me to go to cell block, didn't really want to go with them, i had just gotten home from work and i was tired and smelled of bleach and I was soar all over. So I got a hold of Christina and told her to come over to my room and help get me out of there by making it apear that we were going to her room to study. Well we went over to the room and watched Van Hellsing, Fun stuff. 

The night at work was not to bad, I was making some decent money, excpet that i got stiffed on a table of 10 people, 10 PEOPLE, it is like wow if you can afford to eat out then you can afford to leave a dollar each on the table. But my mom came in and saw me, and I didn't know she was with the lady that she baby sits for, So I asked my mom if she was hungry and I told her that I would pay for her to eat just to ask to be put in my section. But here it turns out that the lady she baby sits for payed for her, so my mom gave me my money back and and they left me 10 dollars, funny how some people can be so much nicer than others. 

At the end of the night we still had a few people in the restraunt and one of the waitresses put her apron down in the bathroom, and one of the ladies from my tables, when they went to leave, went into the restroom and saw it and picked it up and put it on her person. But when confronted about it she denied it. So now we are not sure what we can do, All I know is that justice always seem to prevail. That is all I can hope for.

When I asked my mom about why she came in, she said that she was worried about me because of the e-mail I sent her, That said I was angry at the man who called himself my father. 

Today is CSC110 Rodney and I were sitting there typing up our notes, paying perfect attention, but i yawned at one point because I was tired, So the teacher decided that we were bored and decided to ask us the next question, which we answered right. 

So we have a childrens card game tourny this saturday night at lucky lucky, I am hoping to sweep house. 

I have nutrition and work tonight, no fun. 

Sure I believe you...But My tommy Gun don't

Alright so Apart from not being able to come up with a title, and a good nights sleep and not knowing if my math grade is above an 81 or not from a few homeworks.

The blog I wrote last night, It was a serious vent of years of buildup, Years of lack of personal and emotional attachemnt. I knew some people would read it since I posted it on my facebook, I had know way of know who, but I am glad they did.

Now people may know a little what goes on underneath my surface, People might understand what makes me act a certain way. The Truth is I do love my dad, I can never and will never Love him as much as I love my mom, but lets face it he made it so it would be that way now didn't he.

Off to work in about an hour, CSC110 and Nutrition tomorrow. And a fun filled weekend with Doubles at Bonanza, I guess this is good day for now, Thank you for Careing. 

Now to finish a few Episodes of Bleach and a pile of Mozzerella thingers.

(The Title is a Brand New Song)

Pieces Fit.

I tried to call my dad last night but I got bad service, yeah I did try, I really want to see him before he goes to Iraq for his third tour. I got through today, and told him that I wanted to come up tomorrow, but hey well they are pulling wire, it's like not like oh yeah we're pulling wire but I can make time to spend with my only child. It is like we're pulling wire and you will only get in the way.

Then I say that I would come up on the weekend but I scheduled for doubles, which I am, and well if he had told me before hand about his deployment I could have gotten some of the days off, but no he tells me two weeks till the day!! Honestly I can't afford to call off of work, I have to make it through school and still have bills to pay. 

Then he throws out "Well it is up to you if you want to work or if you want to see me" 

OK well how about this, my entire highschool carreer in soccer WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!?!?! HUH DAD WHERE THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL WERE YOU?!?!?! you said you would be at the of the freaken games you SAID YOU WOULD BE THERE. And wher I looked in the bloody crowed where the hell were you? NOT THERE!!! YOU STOOD ME UP, You never even bothered to FREAKEN CALL!!!! I thought you were dead, I thought the worse had happened. You never saw me score the goals, you never saw the game with my 31 saves, never. 

You left me when I was 6 months old, SIX FUCKING MONTHS!!! YOU SAId TO mom that I WOULD BE FINE?!?!?!?! It drove me crazy, KNowing that my father was never really there for me, never having the normal paranting. Then I get into soccer, and you came to my saturday games, but why? all you did was stand with your arms crossed like it was a burden to be there, not because you were cheering me on. 

Then you divorce the woman you left mom for, and I lost the step siblings I always wanted, and when I mention them once you told me "Never mention those kids names around me" Huh I think I touched a nerve, How old was I? 8? Yeah Well Jackson is Fine, and Jenifer had Twins, Jereamy works with Jackson at Lowes, but you wouldn't care would you? What were they, little blips on your excopades.

Then you get Gus, and she is wonderful, great, sweet, there is honestly nothing wrong with this woman, honestly like she is the best stepmother a guy could ever ask for. And Brian, I loved him, We use to wrestle and of course I got hurt, but lets face it how much older was he than me? Years go by, and you go to Germany, You go to Germany for 8 months, and I missed you, of course I did. But that summer when I stayed up there Brian and I got closer, watching Godzilla and Star Wars, Jerassic Park together. Getting Balloons from him at the firemans carnival, it was great. Then you get back, and well it was great. 

Then Brian Dies. Car crash, hit a tree. And he was gone. I had no brother anymore, I had nothing. I never will forget the phone call, I never will forget the sinking feeling in my stomach and heart. I bore the fire at his funeral, I didn't do it for you, I didn't do it for me, I did it because I loved him, and still do. When I was up for the winter ball I stopped at the tree and talked to him for a while, but you guys never took me up there, you guys never asked. Did you ever think that I loved him? I went in his room once in a while and would talk to him. 

Then you go to Iraq, and I got postcards, and you got mad because I didn't write as much, but honestly when all you get are notes saying how much I disapoint you by not doing certain things, then well what do you want? A speach saying how I know I am not and adaquet son? Well how about your failier as a father? Do you really want that? What would you do if you read this blog? would you see how much you have hurt and scard me? or would you just see it as "I hate you" because no matter what, I don't hate you, you did give me life, you did that for me. you did help me at times, but not emotionaly. You use to tell me that you don't owe me anything, well I beg to differ, 19 years, you owe me 19 years of making up, that is what you owe me. 

You are the only person who can make me feel so bad and sad and depressed from 10,000 miles away. the only person. 

You were never there when I needed you most, you were never there when I wanted you there, and I resent that. I am bitter because of that. 

I never want to be a father like you, I never want to leave my wife and kids. I will never be a father like you, I will be there for my kids, and I wont let them live in fear of me.

You always made me feel like if we were bonding that if I did something wrong that I messed up, that I ruined the moment, DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH OF A CRAPPY Fearling that is? I wouldn't imagine so. I will be there for my sons soccer games, I will be there when he bowls his tournament games, I will be there for him when he gets spralled out on the soccer field.

Head injuries and bruised ribs, that what I got from soccer. You never ever saw me run in track, you were never there when I got first in the 800 and threw up and  blacked out from running so hard. 

So Why weren't you there, It usually goes like this "I was working" So now, I will make time for you, because you can't make time for me. And I will stil go to class the next day. You will just never know what it is like to have seen me make those goals, or save all of the saves that I made. 

Did you even know that I was 100% in scoring in my freshman year? or that over my highschool soccer carreer I had nearly 1000 saves? I wouldn't think so, How about the bowling games that I broke 200? Aunt Wendy and Uncle Rod were there. 

You make me so mad and so sad at the same time. But at least I have this as an outlet.

I know the pieces fit

A few things to look forward for the summer break. 

-Otakon, Otakon 2009 looks like it is going to be great. 

-Work, I plan on just saving a lot of money.

-NC, might just make my way to North Carolina 

Spanish class, well it kinda sucks, because I feel like I am getting treated like a little kid, there is really nothing for me to do in it.

Something I am not looking forward to, Dad leaving. He leaves next thursday, I am not sure if I can go up to see him this thursday or not, I might just ask him if he can come down and see me that day before he goes. I don't want to ask off from class because If I start not going then I will continue to not go.

Days of Class

Woke up to discover that I was walking to class on my own today, so I decided to bring the only compnay that I really wanted, my laptop. 

Math class at 8 am really bites, the good thing about it is that it gets me thinking a lot in the morning, which is sometimes good and sometimes really bad. I can start me off with over analizing things and what not. But I tend to comprehend the math problems a whole lot easier then. 

Then it is down to the wrapture to get myself a cup of coffee, then off to sit in the ATHS for a while till csc110 starts. none of which is fun i would rather be sleeping. Usually my sleep is really good but since I am up against the wall where the other room is that usually gets disturrbed at night.

Sometimes when Life gets boring I just sit back and reflect on all the things that make my life have a little spice, and sometimes some of things and some of those people don't seem worth all of the confussion, if they don't get you then well I see no reason on why to keep on keeping in contact with them, when you can do nothng right to please them, IT seems like it is just time to say "You'r an Angry, mean person" and move on.