Miss you

Emptiness is loneliness

please note

i haven't given up, i'm just giving space.

Working 10-7 today. I wish tuesday was my day off still could really use the sleep that I'm not getting.

I'm sorry for being a source of un needed stress. I know I try to hard. Just trying to show I care. I just want to be there for you and with you. I'm afraid...

Ok I've got to say waxing hurts. And I will never ask you to do it. It's a story that if you ask me I one day will tell you.

Because I care to much about us and wanting things to work this time. That's why I patiently wait this time.

No matter what you do where the winds carry you. You will always be in my heart and on my mind. And I'll be right here waiting for you.

I'll be a brand new day

If it makes you less sad
I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am
And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile
I already know that I am

I'll grow old
And start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate
A crown of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it's missed when it's gone

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad you that can forgive
Only hoping as time goes
You can forget

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out
It's as cold as a tomb
And it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed
To pour salt in your wounds
So call it quits
Or get a grip
Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget
So you can forget
You can forget

You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can
You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget

Feeling very melancholy today, knowing that even though I send out the morning message that I wont get anything back... I don't have to try once, I have to try multiple times, well that is starting to get harder and harder. you know how I feel, but I guess you like watching people struggle and suffer through things.

yesterday I worked from 10-9, with no break, no food. WTF I asked for one multiple times, I'm like I haven't eaten today, I need food. but they just look at me like I'm retarded. I'm skinny I don't have a reserve of fat or food to eat away. Then you expect me to watch to sections on the floor, no look you need to listen to me if I am going to be working all day long, I know what I can do and what I can't do. So don't try to make me do something that is going to be a hell of a lot harder than things should be.

today I work 9-10 but I get a break, I am just kind of disgusted with the lack of management or care.

I dunno I guess I miss you.. I guess I want everything to be happening instead of sitting and waiting and thinking... my mind wanders to much and in horrible places.. and I thought you knew that.

Thank you blogger mobile for being dumb. It said take picture and start blogging so I did so. But all the posts with pictures won't come up. Anyways day off, nothing to do... Like normal.

I just love my little fluffy little kitty. I got her for my 10th birthday, and I've got to say she is one of the best presents ever. She bugs me sometimes because she gets right in my face when I don't want her to be there. But she is always there when I'm hurting and need a friend. I really wish that I knew what she was saying when she meows at me. I do love it when she rolls over and acts all cute. I just wish that she wouldn't try to run outside. It would be really really hard if she got hit by a car or attacked by a wild animal again.

When it is all said and done everything will be fine. I gotta just keep going through this by myself till then.

Fighting my demons all day long. I have to talk myself down from my rages and the hurt that is running through my veins. I just keep counting to 10 waiting for all this to end.

I have no idea how this works but blogger made it so I can now do mobile blogging through text messages. Which I find rather handy.

what to do on the day off

Today is my day off and I think I really need it. So I started off my little one day weekend a little early on monday night with my normal monday night bowling league. John gave me his old double bowling ball bag so now I can carry my Roto Outlaw bowling ball. The only bad thing about using that ball is the finish on it is really dull and it soaks up so much oil that it doesn't always comes back lol. But it hooks into the pocket amazingly. I just got sick of waiting for it to come back or having to wait for the other person to throw their ball so it would get knocked back, So I switched back to my storm.

All the while my phone was dead so I couldn't even talk to anyone if I wanted to, so my little good luck distraction that loves to think she will some day be able to beat me at bowling wasn't at hand :(

Today I woke up got myself a bowl of cereal, which is surprising for me since I really don't eat breakfast, then I started some fable 2, I just want the stupid achievements, vanity points is what the 360 is all about.

Around noon a package got put in our door, the only reason I know that is because my cats spazzed out and growled and hissed and whent all kinds of crazy. But the package was a special limited edition yugioh game mat, that I apparently earned for being in the top 1000 or the world so something like that. So I guess kudos to me, now just to get rid of it since I don't play anymore lol.

I've set some goals for myself in the means of distracting myself till I can sit down and get to business.

1. Watch all 9 seasons of Smallville
2. Beat Halo Reach on legandary
3. Watch all seasons of Supernatural
4. Beat Fable 3
5. Mod a xbox 360 with Ryan
6. Get back into a workout schedule
7. Complete my Nano (hopefully i'll be down to business by then)

Week 2 of being in a happy and just great mood and I have to say I love it. Yeah my impatiens kills it a little but other than that I'm pretty happy most of the time now.

What else is there to do on a day you work 10-10

I decided to pick up a shift 10-3 on cook, just so I would have more money since I need to start saving it and prepping for the road ahead of me. It was dead, so dead that I think I only did 14 meals all day. So now I am stuck here at work till 10 tonight with a 2 hour break. So what else is there to do but blog, and think about everything that is going on.

It takes work it takes time, and I am impatient, but it alllll will be worth it in the end. What doesn't kill you will simply make you stronger, and now that I finally see that light at the end of the tunnel I am not just stumbling, I am running for the light, I don't plan on slowing down so when I get out into the light I will prolly just fall right into whatever it is.

If my head tells me to go for it, my heart is telling me to go for it, and so are my family and friends, then I am very much knowing that I should go for this.

It's just the impatient thing and wanting things done now because I want to get started. thats a definite "blah blah bliggidy blahhh"

Feeling very alive

Ever since Sunday my resolve and determination have gone way past cloud 9. Everything I'm doing and trying to do is to become a better person for myself and for you.

I've finally talked mom into Internet. So that means xbox live and more posting. Also better source for nano. Hopefully I get it before fable 3 drops.

Well nothing else is really new except that I'm in one of the best moods of my life.

Until the stars fall out of the sky

Brad and I went to Oktoberfest last night, It was soooo cold and windy, I forgot to bring my jacket because I left it at work so I almost froze. But I had some kraut chowder to warm me up. The only thing bad about the chowder was the sausage, it tasted like black liquorish, not a fan.

I finally finished Amazing Spider-Man: Until the Stars turn cold. I've got to say that the part that gripped me the most was on the last two pages. I tried searching for scans of them but no such luck.

I just turned on my yahoo music video player which I haven't used in so long, and I don't know half of the bands they tried playing for me.

The days are getting colder and colder, and every day I'm fighting off the demons and bad thoughts that always pollute my mind. Things get tough but I have to work through them, I just keep walking to the end of the tunnel rather than turning around and abandoning hopes and dreams. Because If I have to I'll walk and wait until the Stars Turn cold and Fall out of the sky.

Blahhhhh

It feels like it is monsoon season, cause when it rains it pours. I'm trying harder and harder to keep my head up and look for the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel like I am just going to fall out of it one day and either hit the ground hard, or land on a cloud. At least there is a little light in the tunnel.

I have no idea what was going on at work today but the waitresses were in a piss poor mood and treating me like crap, I have no problem doing things for them but when they don't even bother to empty their plates, which is their job, it starts to get old about 4 hours in. For some reason when you are on dish your like the whipping boy of the restaurant.

Yes I've made mistakes, and yes I'm not perfect, but I'm trying my best to better myself.



You know what I think I like about comics, the fact that these people who have powers that only a person could dream of having, are strangely mortal and have hearts that beat, break, heal, and love just like we do. They have everyday problems like everyone else does. They lose friends and family on a regular basis. I know it is purely fiction but the fact that you can relate to some of the things happening in those 32 pages sometimes really makes the book that much better when reading it.

I guess I'm just ending with "I just want to believe"

Sorry I told, I just needed you to know...

Went on a picnic Sunday which was pretty fun, got a lot of things out in the open instead of behind closed doors where they don't belong. But let me tell you I do love seeing Christina in green :)

Yesterday at work I was prolly in one of my worst moods yet, and what tops it off is when I say I am in a bad mood and I don't want to talk about it that means I don't want to talk about it because what is bothering me is none of you business, so don't try to probe or your going to make matters sooooo much worse, and thats what happened someone decided they wanted to probe after I told them to back off and I called them out and told them just to leave me alone. I'm getting sick of the stupid people I work with, "hey lets pull fish sticks that are to be cooked frozen on the evening pull cart and let them thaw out" I mean come on are you retarded? Really? ReallY? WTF or even better I do alllll the buses for bonanza but when they got short on servers I stopped doing the Sunday bus because it is only like 20 people, but the cook who replaced me on Sunday morning manages to screw up the meals because he puts sauce on the freaken chicken, he knows they don't get sauce. I am just getting sick of the careless attitude that some of my fellow cooks have. It is your freaken job just do it, your paid to do it.



I love this song, It sometimes takes a long time to remember songs that you listened to say 5 years ago.

Bowling last night was terrrrible I have a 140 average, not bad but not great I bowled a 138, ok didn't break average, so not good, next was 146, broke average and carried a few pins over to save my last game. but my very last game was 100... I haven't done that bad in so long. The lanes were so dry at the end that my ball wasn't hooking into the pocket and I was getting no pin action. I think I screwed up my ring finger when I threw the one ball cause it is all stiff and rather difficult to move.



It's funny how the weather sometimes reflects your mood. Yesterday was just terrible so it rained all day, It made me want to play soccer really bad. Back in high school there was nothing better than sliding in the mud diving for the ball and just getting up with a sense of accomplishment and mud stuck all over you. You could take every bit of frustration and stress that you had on that ball or if you were playing right on the player. The best thing about being the goalie is the fact that you don't get carded, because you were going for the ball, if they just happened to be in your way oh well.

At walmart they are selling x-men the animated series, which I think is incredible, when I was little I use to watch that; spiderman, batman, iron man, and a few other comic cartoons. It makes me happy seeing all of these getting released to dvd, I mean shows today are just terrible, with little exception to sitcoms, but I remember things being a lot better when i was younger... but then again he-man was considered good way back in the day...



Sometimes I think the path to heaven leads directly through hell. I just hope that the journey is quick, and I believe the suffering will be worth it.

What is it about the hottest days of the year

What is it about the hottest days of the year? it seems to be the only time your cat wants to sleep with you... or rather on top of you as mine does. I swear these fuzzy little critters are driving me insane, today, or rather early this morning the one drug my keys through the house so I couldn't find them so I was late for work. The other decided she wanted to go outside with my mom earlier that morning. So when I went to get in my car lo and behold there my stupid cat was walking around it. I am happy to say I still have some of my goalkeeping skills. I dove on her and grabbed her, I don't think she appreciated that to much; but the last time she got out some other cat beat the crap out of her.

We only have one oven currently at work so I have to put my potatoes in the bottom oven, thats a pain on the back, not to mention a pain when foodbar has it full. And apparently the ex-president of Perkins is now the President of metromedia the corporation of Bonanza. which means we might have to start serving breakfast.I have no problem with that, it just creates more hours for the employees.

Today after work I got some Chinese food, and it's about a 10 minute drive from New Berlin to Lewisburg and apparently when they have 3 tables in the restaurant that means they are busy cause I had to wait another 10 minutes at the register to get any service.... still nothing will ever be as bad as the time when Christina and I got Chinese food and it took like 2 hours and then I found a hair in my friggen kung pow.... So I guess it could be worse there could have been hair in my sweet and sour chicken.

so...

So I finally sat down and brainstormed what my password for this thing could be. And eventually it hit me. whether or not anyone actually ever reads this it matters little. I am just going to use this as a vent and source to get out the emotion that I have such a hard time showing as of late. when I was younger I was touchy feeling, and I am still slightly but not as much, when you are touchy feeling at that age you get picked on a lot. people don't want you to wear your heart on your sleeve like I did. and so I closed up, I became callous and tried to harden my heart. In doing so hurt someone very important to me. But I'm trying to mend the pieces and rebuild a new foundation. I want to open myself back up maybe not so that my heart is back out on my sleeve but so that it is known that I have one and want to share it. last night I had a little realization about bowling, it's a lot like life, you may not always get a strike and that ball you threw did look like a really good ball, but you have an opportunity to pick up a spare.

And then.

It seems I can't do anything right and I'm getting sick of it. I am getting sick of judgment being passed on me. And for some stupid reason I can't see videos on my phone.