I'm ganna break free

OK so of late this week the thing has been Nerf, well what is wrong with that I say nothing. Next week is my math exam, so that is going to get done on Tuesday, the day that it is due. I am thinking about talking to my RA about moving out, I am not really satisfied with the living conditions. I don't think that it is worth paying as much as it costs to live there. So now I think that change is in order and something has to be done. So now I am home and getting ready to work. 

I think that I will be a great father, the people who have known me for a while think that I will be a great one too, so please before saying something think before you speak, filter that little space between brain and mouth, and wonder. Is this subject touchy to him, because the home subject well lets just say, don't mess with that.

Ok really

So now i just got a freaken voice mail from my step mom telling me that she is disappointed in me for not going up to see my dad, alright so I really really wanted to see him well If they really wanted to see me then Hey why didn't I call and tell me about the secret party that was going on? I mean really? they came down all that way and couldn't even stop in at work and see me, I mean what is up with that? I didn't go up today and well I wonder why? could it be because of no one going any where today? The schools were closed, and more than likely bonanza closed early. I got called selfish and told that I only think of myself. Because I had to work, because I couldn't get someone to take my shift. I can't just go in and tell them that for the weekend since we are really busy on the weekend. You know what I am sorry dad that I am such an inadaquit son, Why don't you just disown me already? I do really actually love you, But you would come all the way down to Union Co and not see me, or tell me about the party at aunt wendy's I mean now come on. Why? 

Two words: Snow Day

When I was little snow days were the best thing ever, I made snow men, snow forts, snow ball fights, you snow it I did it. But now I am not at home, so what is my first snow day up here going to be like? It is hard to say, but I do know this. With the people that I hang around, It is bound to be fun.

20 darts to the face, thats some fun right there.

So the other night I went to KB toys and Toys R Us with Nick to get a nerf gun, And I got a pretty sweet one, 20 darts in about 5 seconds, It has two modes of shooting. Rapid Fire, and a Single shot. The rapid fire is like imposible to dodge and Single shot is a little more aimed and controlled. But any ways enough of shop talk.

I have to go down to see my mom today so that I can tell her how to use her computer, pick up my; laundry, calculator, and hat. Also have to give her a little money. Then ganna put some gas in my car. 

I don't work this thursday which is a plus, but I still don't know what is going on with dad, which really sucks because the fact that he wont just call and tell me anything. 

But oh well, I don't have class again tonight until 7. And that is just intro to hosp, and If I remember correctly i get chef trom for that tonight, freaken sweet! That lady is so funny, a little intimidating but funny. 

Don't mind the spelling errors in here for the people who actually read this, Google Chrome seems to not like to fix them.

Well so long for now.

So don't mind the spelling errors in here for yo 

I have a little fat cat that likes to sleep in the middle of the bed.

So it is 8:30 and I am really tired and I don't even know really why I am up, but oh well, time to get ready for church and work, not only that but going back up to school.

Yesterday was kinda fun at work, a few hours of cutting everything really close, then had to go get everyone for the tourny, which I cam in third. 

But I am just trying to think about how I am going to pay for this next bill. I mean I have to make 1000 in a month, or go and ask a relative if they can help out. i might be able to come up with 500 in a month but I doubt it. 

Next semester I am for sure going to live in one of the living facilaties that costs a lot less. 

Ugh my cat is so anoying, as I am typing this she is here licking my hand, or she will sleep on my shoulder. Well It looks like I am out for the day untill I get off of work. then I have to go get a parking spot, hope I earn enough to get a parking permit. 

Nights of Wonder and Excitment

So last night my roommates wanted me to go to cell block, didn't really want to go with them, i had just gotten home from work and i was tired and smelled of bleach and I was soar all over. So I got a hold of Christina and told her to come over to my room and help get me out of there by making it apear that we were going to her room to study. Well we went over to the room and watched Van Hellsing, Fun stuff. 

The night at work was not to bad, I was making some decent money, excpet that i got stiffed on a table of 10 people, 10 PEOPLE, it is like wow if you can afford to eat out then you can afford to leave a dollar each on the table. But my mom came in and saw me, and I didn't know she was with the lady that she baby sits for, So I asked my mom if she was hungry and I told her that I would pay for her to eat just to ask to be put in my section. But here it turns out that the lady she baby sits for payed for her, so my mom gave me my money back and and they left me 10 dollars, funny how some people can be so much nicer than others. 

At the end of the night we still had a few people in the restraunt and one of the waitresses put her apron down in the bathroom, and one of the ladies from my tables, when they went to leave, went into the restroom and saw it and picked it up and put it on her person. But when confronted about it she denied it. So now we are not sure what we can do, All I know is that justice always seem to prevail. That is all I can hope for.

When I asked my mom about why she came in, she said that she was worried about me because of the e-mail I sent her, That said I was angry at the man who called himself my father. 

Today is CSC110 Rodney and I were sitting there typing up our notes, paying perfect attention, but i yawned at one point because I was tired, So the teacher decided that we were bored and decided to ask us the next question, which we answered right. 

So we have a childrens card game tourny this saturday night at lucky lucky, I am hoping to sweep house. 

I have nutrition and work tonight, no fun. 

Sure I believe you...But My tommy Gun don't

Alright so Apart from not being able to come up with a title, and a good nights sleep and not knowing if my math grade is above an 81 or not from a few homeworks.

The blog I wrote last night, It was a serious vent of years of buildup, Years of lack of personal and emotional attachemnt. I knew some people would read it since I posted it on my facebook, I had know way of know who, but I am glad they did.

Now people may know a little what goes on underneath my surface, People might understand what makes me act a certain way. The Truth is I do love my dad, I can never and will never Love him as much as I love my mom, but lets face it he made it so it would be that way now didn't he.

Off to work in about an hour, CSC110 and Nutrition tomorrow. And a fun filled weekend with Doubles at Bonanza, I guess this is good day for now, Thank you for Careing. 

Now to finish a few Episodes of Bleach and a pile of Mozzerella thingers.

(The Title is a Brand New Song)

Pieces Fit.

I tried to call my dad last night but I got bad service, yeah I did try, I really want to see him before he goes to Iraq for his third tour. I got through today, and told him that I wanted to come up tomorrow, but hey well they are pulling wire, it's like not like oh yeah we're pulling wire but I can make time to spend with my only child. It is like we're pulling wire and you will only get in the way.

Then I say that I would come up on the weekend but I scheduled for doubles, which I am, and well if he had told me before hand about his deployment I could have gotten some of the days off, but no he tells me two weeks till the day!! Honestly I can't afford to call off of work, I have to make it through school and still have bills to pay. 

Then he throws out "Well it is up to you if you want to work or if you want to see me" 

OK well how about this, my entire highschool carreer in soccer WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!?!?! HUH DAD WHERE THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL WERE YOU?!?!?! you said you would be at the of the freaken games you SAID YOU WOULD BE THERE. And wher I looked in the bloody crowed where the hell were you? NOT THERE!!! YOU STOOD ME UP, You never even bothered to FREAKEN CALL!!!! I thought you were dead, I thought the worse had happened. You never saw me score the goals, you never saw the game with my 31 saves, never. 

You left me when I was 6 months old, SIX FUCKING MONTHS!!! YOU SAId TO mom that I WOULD BE FINE?!?!?!?! It drove me crazy, KNowing that my father was never really there for me, never having the normal paranting. Then I get into soccer, and you came to my saturday games, but why? all you did was stand with your arms crossed like it was a burden to be there, not because you were cheering me on. 

Then you divorce the woman you left mom for, and I lost the step siblings I always wanted, and when I mention them once you told me "Never mention those kids names around me" Huh I think I touched a nerve, How old was I? 8? Yeah Well Jackson is Fine, and Jenifer had Twins, Jereamy works with Jackson at Lowes, but you wouldn't care would you? What were they, little blips on your excopades.

Then you get Gus, and she is wonderful, great, sweet, there is honestly nothing wrong with this woman, honestly like she is the best stepmother a guy could ever ask for. And Brian, I loved him, We use to wrestle and of course I got hurt, but lets face it how much older was he than me? Years go by, and you go to Germany, You go to Germany for 8 months, and I missed you, of course I did. But that summer when I stayed up there Brian and I got closer, watching Godzilla and Star Wars, Jerassic Park together. Getting Balloons from him at the firemans carnival, it was great. Then you get back, and well it was great. 

Then Brian Dies. Car crash, hit a tree. And he was gone. I had no brother anymore, I had nothing. I never will forget the phone call, I never will forget the sinking feeling in my stomach and heart. I bore the fire at his funeral, I didn't do it for you, I didn't do it for me, I did it because I loved him, and still do. When I was up for the winter ball I stopped at the tree and talked to him for a while, but you guys never took me up there, you guys never asked. Did you ever think that I loved him? I went in his room once in a while and would talk to him. 

Then you go to Iraq, and I got postcards, and you got mad because I didn't write as much, but honestly when all you get are notes saying how much I disapoint you by not doing certain things, then well what do you want? A speach saying how I know I am not and adaquet son? Well how about your failier as a father? Do you really want that? What would you do if you read this blog? would you see how much you have hurt and scard me? or would you just see it as "I hate you" because no matter what, I don't hate you, you did give me life, you did that for me. you did help me at times, but not emotionaly. You use to tell me that you don't owe me anything, well I beg to differ, 19 years, you owe me 19 years of making up, that is what you owe me. 

You are the only person who can make me feel so bad and sad and depressed from 10,000 miles away. the only person. 

You were never there when I needed you most, you were never there when I wanted you there, and I resent that. I am bitter because of that. 

I never want to be a father like you, I never want to leave my wife and kids. I will never be a father like you, I will be there for my kids, and I wont let them live in fear of me.

You always made me feel like if we were bonding that if I did something wrong that I messed up, that I ruined the moment, DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH OF A CRAPPY Fearling that is? I wouldn't imagine so. I will be there for my sons soccer games, I will be there when he bowls his tournament games, I will be there for him when he gets spralled out on the soccer field.

Head injuries and bruised ribs, that what I got from soccer. You never ever saw me run in track, you were never there when I got first in the 800 and threw up and  blacked out from running so hard. 

So Why weren't you there, It usually goes like this "I was working" So now, I will make time for you, because you can't make time for me. And I will stil go to class the next day. You will just never know what it is like to have seen me make those goals, or save all of the saves that I made. 

Did you even know that I was 100% in scoring in my freshman year? or that over my highschool soccer carreer I had nearly 1000 saves? I wouldn't think so, How about the bowling games that I broke 200? Aunt Wendy and Uncle Rod were there. 

You make me so mad and so sad at the same time. But at least I have this as an outlet.

I know the pieces fit

A few things to look forward for the summer break. 

-Otakon, Otakon 2009 looks like it is going to be great. 

-Work, I plan on just saving a lot of money.

-NC, might just make my way to North Carolina 

Spanish class, well it kinda sucks, because I feel like I am getting treated like a little kid, there is really nothing for me to do in it.

Something I am not looking forward to, Dad leaving. He leaves next thursday, I am not sure if I can go up to see him this thursday or not, I might just ask him if he can come down and see me that day before he goes. I don't want to ask off from class because If I start not going then I will continue to not go.

Days of Class

Woke up to discover that I was walking to class on my own today, so I decided to bring the only compnay that I really wanted, my laptop. 

Math class at 8 am really bites, the good thing about it is that it gets me thinking a lot in the morning, which is sometimes good and sometimes really bad. I can start me off with over analizing things and what not. But I tend to comprehend the math problems a whole lot easier then. 

Then it is down to the wrapture to get myself a cup of coffee, then off to sit in the ATHS for a while till csc110 starts. none of which is fun i would rather be sleeping. Usually my sleep is really good but since I am up against the wall where the other room is that usually gets disturrbed at night.

Sometimes when Life gets boring I just sit back and reflect on all the things that make my life have a little spice, and sometimes some of things and some of those people don't seem worth all of the confussion, if they don't get you then well I see no reason on why to keep on keeping in contact with them, when you can do nothng right to please them, IT seems like it is just time to say "You'r an Angry, mean person" and move on.