Pieces Fit.

I tried to call my dad last night but I got bad service, yeah I did try, I really want to see him before he goes to Iraq for his third tour. I got through today, and told him that I wanted to come up tomorrow, but hey well they are pulling wire, it's like not like oh yeah we're pulling wire but I can make time to spend with my only child. It is like we're pulling wire and you will only get in the way.

Then I say that I would come up on the weekend but I scheduled for doubles, which I am, and well if he had told me before hand about his deployment I could have gotten some of the days off, but no he tells me two weeks till the day!! Honestly I can't afford to call off of work, I have to make it through school and still have bills to pay. 

Then he throws out "Well it is up to you if you want to work or if you want to see me" 

OK well how about this, my entire highschool carreer in soccer WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!?!?! HUH DAD WHERE THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL WERE YOU?!?!?! you said you would be at the of the freaken games you SAID YOU WOULD BE THERE. And wher I looked in the bloody crowed where the hell were you? NOT THERE!!! YOU STOOD ME UP, You never even bothered to FREAKEN CALL!!!! I thought you were dead, I thought the worse had happened. You never saw me score the goals, you never saw the game with my 31 saves, never. 

You left me when I was 6 months old, SIX FUCKING MONTHS!!! YOU SAId TO mom that I WOULD BE FINE?!?!?!?! It drove me crazy, KNowing that my father was never really there for me, never having the normal paranting. Then I get into soccer, and you came to my saturday games, but why? all you did was stand with your arms crossed like it was a burden to be there, not because you were cheering me on. 

Then you divorce the woman you left mom for, and I lost the step siblings I always wanted, and when I mention them once you told me "Never mention those kids names around me" Huh I think I touched a nerve, How old was I? 8? Yeah Well Jackson is Fine, and Jenifer had Twins, Jereamy works with Jackson at Lowes, but you wouldn't care would you? What were they, little blips on your excopades.

Then you get Gus, and she is wonderful, great, sweet, there is honestly nothing wrong with this woman, honestly like she is the best stepmother a guy could ever ask for. And Brian, I loved him, We use to wrestle and of course I got hurt, but lets face it how much older was he than me? Years go by, and you go to Germany, You go to Germany for 8 months, and I missed you, of course I did. But that summer when I stayed up there Brian and I got closer, watching Godzilla and Star Wars, Jerassic Park together. Getting Balloons from him at the firemans carnival, it was great. Then you get back, and well it was great. 

Then Brian Dies. Car crash, hit a tree. And he was gone. I had no brother anymore, I had nothing. I never will forget the phone call, I never will forget the sinking feeling in my stomach and heart. I bore the fire at his funeral, I didn't do it for you, I didn't do it for me, I did it because I loved him, and still do. When I was up for the winter ball I stopped at the tree and talked to him for a while, but you guys never took me up there, you guys never asked. Did you ever think that I loved him? I went in his room once in a while and would talk to him. 

Then you go to Iraq, and I got postcards, and you got mad because I didn't write as much, but honestly when all you get are notes saying how much I disapoint you by not doing certain things, then well what do you want? A speach saying how I know I am not and adaquet son? Well how about your failier as a father? Do you really want that? What would you do if you read this blog? would you see how much you have hurt and scard me? or would you just see it as "I hate you" because no matter what, I don't hate you, you did give me life, you did that for me. you did help me at times, but not emotionaly. You use to tell me that you don't owe me anything, well I beg to differ, 19 years, you owe me 19 years of making up, that is what you owe me. 

You are the only person who can make me feel so bad and sad and depressed from 10,000 miles away. the only person. 

You were never there when I needed you most, you were never there when I wanted you there, and I resent that. I am bitter because of that. 

I never want to be a father like you, I never want to leave my wife and kids. I will never be a father like you, I will be there for my kids, and I wont let them live in fear of me.

You always made me feel like if we were bonding that if I did something wrong that I messed up, that I ruined the moment, DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH OF A CRAPPY Fearling that is? I wouldn't imagine so. I will be there for my sons soccer games, I will be there when he bowls his tournament games, I will be there for him when he gets spralled out on the soccer field.

Head injuries and bruised ribs, that what I got from soccer. You never ever saw me run in track, you were never there when I got first in the 800 and threw up and  blacked out from running so hard. 

So Why weren't you there, It usually goes like this "I was working" So now, I will make time for you, because you can't make time for me. And I will stil go to class the next day. You will just never know what it is like to have seen me make those goals, or save all of the saves that I made. 

Did you even know that I was 100% in scoring in my freshman year? or that over my highschool soccer carreer I had nearly 1000 saves? I wouldn't think so, How about the bowling games that I broke 200? Aunt Wendy and Uncle Rod were there. 

You make me so mad and so sad at the same time. But at least I have this as an outlet.